Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. Being one half of a couple is also very handy in this respect. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. Im also annoyed by these questions! ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. What are you up to this weekend? This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. This comment has clarified a thing for me. "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. It forces the manipulators to cough up some version of their agendas, and galvanizes the friends with vague plans into issuing an actual invitation. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Like I also find whatre you doing this weekend to be pretty normal but also can feel very intrusive, but if I had people in my life like the LWs who were using it to try to make me do things I didnt want to do while making it seem like they were not making me do things itd get to be a really irritating and hair-trigger question pretty fast. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) You're very welcome. Climbing mt laundry! Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. OK, you want to ASK if hell help you w/ your home maintenance, fine, but these are not HIS chores anymore. [I often go in around lunch time.] Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). The kind of situation where someone finds out you are free that evening and then says, Good! Because as far as I can tell, youre saying you want to be treated with the closeness of family, only you seem pretty adamant you dont actually want to be family with her in the sense of two adults choosing to be together and support each other as family youre very clear that you want a relationship where you retain levels of dominance and control only suitable with a minor child. When you are waiting for the Good morning text. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. You obviously dont have to do things any differently than you are, BUT if this conversation is frustrating and/or awkward, you may find that it goes more smoothly if you offer something up. I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? Important points about both solutions is a) she gets to participate in the decision and doesnt just get told and b) she makes her own timetable about chores. Okay, how would that be couched in terms of a lease you would give to another renter? Its aggravating, but it makes sense. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. What about you?. The hubs and I do the same. You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. Paris color stylo eye shadow neon skirt Paris color riche le stylo eye shadow bronzed How much vitamin c does a clementine have Loreal paris color riche stylo smoky eye avant azure What to get a guy for valentine's day Paris stylo smoky eye shadow hollywood Why is friendship better than relationship Desculpa para sair mais cedo do trabalho View Each Day as an Opportunity, Not an Obligation, Everything That You Can't do Because You Have Kids. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. 2. The Captains advice is great. What is the stuff?? Nothing much? and Im like yup and get back to work.) Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. I mountain bike every weekend! I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. If Im 100% sure that I dont want to do the thing based on the asker I treat this as open license to complain about how busy I am. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. 1. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. Read also. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. I understand how it can be othering and I never ask anyone where theyre from first. I hate ditherers with the passion of a thousand suns. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. But it puts me on edge every time I hear it. Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? My current boss is a total jerk. And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. Thanks! When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). Always? Hi / hello + [thing I want to talk about] can almost seem too abrupt in that context, particularly among peers. Updog. etc. I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. Me:why? Im from here. Is that the best you've got. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. LWs parent. Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] Im in my late 50s and, frankly, my plans for the weekend are likely to be boring to this younger inquirer. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. I dont know? Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. 1. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. They need to stop it. "It's happening.". LW, I forgot the part where you said some of this is coming from people youre chatting to on dating websites, and you feel like its an attempt to get you to plan the date. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do.
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funny responses to what are you doing this weekend